Transparency
“Ask anyone and they’ll most likely say their family is crazy, and if they don’t say their family is crazy, their friends are crazy. That’s because everyone is crazy after taking the mask off. People are most themselves when not really trying to fit in, when either alone or around those already closest to them, and that is crazy.” –Criss Jami
That’s sure true in our family. I think we do a fantastic job of “being who we really are” around each other[1]. That part has never changed. We did the 24/7/365 family thing under the same roof for almost two decades. As parents, we had some strict boundaries for our boys. That was a perfect strategy early on, but later, as the boys matured into the tween and teen stages, and as they earned the right to flex a bit by demonstrating that maturity, I believe we should have provided them with a bit more freedom to choose and to succeed or fail on their own. Don’t get me wrong. I definitely believe some measure of helicopter-parenting is a healthier strategy than forgetting you have children and allowing them to make decisions in areas they are too young for, aren’t prepared for and / or haven’t been trained for. Our prayer at the dinner table was always that our children would get busted now, by people they love, rather than need to be busted later by the world.[2]
We raised happy, handsome, honorable, ethical, responsible, morally-centered and personable sons. Of course, even before our nest began to empty, we didn’t see eye-to-eye on quite a few issues. That should be expected. That’s healthy. That’s boys turning into men and walking out their responsibility in the world.[3]
As I reflect, I wouldn’t change our transparent lifestyle with one another. Our satisfaction with this transparent way of living may be partially a function of having all boys for kids, but it always seemed, and still seems like the best way. It’s been a great thing.
Although it’s messy, no one is ever forced to wonder what the other thinks about a particular thing or where they stand in relationship. This is true when there’s conflict or when conflict is absent. Living a transparent life, if you’re happy, the people who love you know it. If you’re hurting, the people who love you know it. If you’re angry, the people who love you know it. If you’re sad, the people who love you know it. Your honest expression of feelings and facts is “truth” as you see it. Sharing is healthy when it’s appropriate.[4]
Of course, that all sounds great. Unfortunately, there’s a painful side to this transparent lifestyle, as well. In any situation where someone acts with inappropriately volatility, whininess, self-centeredness, laziness, passive (or active) aggressiveness—any or any of these or several other possible temperament or character defects—the people who love that person know that, too. At its most benign, it hurts feelings. At its most malignant, It causes real damage.
Even so, living a transparent life beats living any other way. Here’s why I believe that. Along with the benefits listed above, any manifested negative characteristics or tendencies which are expressed by someone elevates awareness of the people who love that person.[5] This allows them to speak up and confront the acting out behavior.[6] Speaking up and confronting isn’t easy. It requires great courage, deep and abiding love for the transgressing individual and an unshakable commitment to the family that goes far beyond what is often practiced, today. When done correctly, in humility and patience and as God instructs, loving confrontation has an impact, and one that matters to God. It probably won’t be immediate, but it probably will take place.
Unfortunately, that commitment to humble, Holy Spirit-led confrontation and commitment to working through issues and sticking around during the process isn’t what is trending and popular currently.
Today, we live in a cancel-culture (let’s call it CC from now on) society. Many have adopted this poisoned, unhealthy, and dysfunctional mindset, feeling that the best thing to do when any conflict or difficulty arises is to set it on fire from the anonymity of a crowd or to simply cut the source of it from their lives, never dealing with it directly—unless you count Face Book rants as direct. For our context within the operation of a family, it’s the later, passive action that I’m writing about.
If you’ve ever done it, taking this non-biblical action feels like a normal and natural thing to do. It’s a way to take decisive action that reduces the pain of the conflict. It’s simple, fast and requires little effort.
The surgical removal of the source of any particular conflict or difficulty works well for garden weeds, cancer and bad sitcoms. Sadly, it happens to be just as effective when used on a person. When the source of our conflict happens to be the behavior of a person in our family—someone we love and care about—the CC way of living allows one to simply eliminate that individual. Since they can’t reach into the transgressing person and easily remove the source of the particular behavior, making it stop, the wounded or offend person discards (cancels) them altogether.
In the past, my family has consistently navigated our transparent lifestyle well. My boys always said my best spiritual gift was how quick I was to apologize when I screwed up. Before you begin to think that maybe I should be called, “Saint Bob,” for my choice to repent when I’ve done wrong, don’t forget that for them to have formed that opinion, I had to demonstrate lots of screwing up and do lots of wrong.
I did. I still do. I worked on it in the past. I’m working on it now. I’m sure I’ll be working on it when I go home to be with my Maker. It’s a good thing that The One I serve extends grace and mercy to screw ups like me![7]
Most recently, we’ve had a devastating instance of acting out followed immediately by several members of my family choosing the CC method of dealing with it. We are currently working on four years of dealing with the original transgression and the ongoing, nasty situation.
There’s no end in sight and the continually spewed poison from the CC response, the bitter unforgiveness and the lack of discernment of why this is important is causing far more damage than the original transgression.[8]
The preceding statement may seem terribly presumptuous, given that I wasn’t the wounded party. In honest consideration, I don’t believe so. My statement is observational, and evidence based. Anyone who examines the facts of what God has done for the wounded party, replacing all that was lost with far better, beautiful and healthy can testify as to the truth of what I’ve said. It’s a sad thing that damage done by the original transgression has faded to the background, unforgiven yet remaining while the ongoing damage done by the CC response is growing.
The CC response generated poison began to spread immediately, as others became aware of the transgression and they chose to pick up the offense of the person who was wounded, condemning the person who transgressed and cutting that person from their lives. Keep in mind that the people I’m talking about we’re not directly connected to the transgression at all.
The transgression caused a large, serious wound. With the application of the CC poison, that wound grew, festered and was kept from healing in hundreds of ways, some hidden and some obvious; some tiny, and some giant, extending to the outright shunning of anyone who chose to remain in relationship with the original transgressor. This shunning touched and continues to touch innocent children and adults alike–some of whom were never aware of the transgression at all and all of whom who never participated in it… people who, prior to this, we’re in very, very close relationship. People who regularly hung out together. People who vacationed together. People who did Christmas together. People who prayed together and said they loved each other.
Since my family members who are choosing to practice the CC method, shunning so many not involved in this transgression are unwilling to communicate in any way, I’m completely at a loss as to what to do. All in all, that’s actually a great place for me to be. It requires me to place all my trust in God and removes me from the equation. That’s a good thing and a “God thing,” because, at times, I allow the dysfunction to frustrate me. I love my family and I lack the patience I’m supposed to demonstrate when I allow myself to become frustrated.
My message has been consistent throughout the process. In fairness, though, it hasn’t always been applied with gentleness and humility. Here’s my take, from what I understand of God and Scripture.
- The two family members actually involved in this need to begin the process of reconciliation by talking. If they need help structuring those conversations, they should get it.
- Every other family needs to butt out. In their attempt to support the various parties, they’re pouring gas on the fire, rather than trying to put it out. No one should speak or act into this situation unless they sense that they’re being used by God to minister healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation.
I definitely understood and liked it better when we were practicing the transparent lifestyle method of dealing with conflict. At least then, we were talking—even if sometimes, it was shouting. After almost four decades of operating in this method as a family, I have yet to see a place where practicing it didn’t yield results.
So much of what God says to us in the Bible has to do with relationship and forgiveness. He makes it crystal clear that He has no priority higher than relationship—relationship between Him and us, pouring over into relationship among believers, pouring over into relationship with everyone.[9]
Thankfully, there’s a prescription for the frustration I feel in this morass. Prayer is always appropriate and since God promises peace beyond my understanding[10] if I will remain in Him, I am better than good—I’m great. I can also make my feelings line up with that truth!
I choose to manifest the characteristic, called in the King James version of the Bible, “longsuffering.” I hate the idea that it means that I may have to “suffer long,” but I’m thrilled that God says that’s what we’re supposed to do with people we love, when we’re unhappy with them or when they’ve hurt us… suffer long.
We are supposed to walk with them through their transgression.[11]
We are supposed to communicate.[12]
We’re supposed to continue loving them.[13]
We’re supposed to go to them and work things out.[14]
We are supposed to constantly look forward to their return to relationship.[15]
We’re never supposed to quit.[16]
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.[17]
In the meantime, as I suffer through this mess, I’ll laugh at and try to remember the words of Bobby Braddock and Troy Jones, as sung by, Billy Currington, “God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.”
I’m glad I serve God. With His promised and always available empowerment[18], I can even handle stuff when it’s my crazy family (including me). Now that’s crazy!
Endnotes
[1] Heb 4:13; 2 Ti 2:15; Jas 5:16; Pr 13:10; 2 Ti 3:16–17; 1 Jn 1:9; 1 Th 5:11; Eph 4:25, 29; 1 Jn 1:8; 1 Pe 4:8; 1 Ti 1:15
[2] Pr 22:6; Eph 6:4; Col 3:21; Pr 13:24; Ps 127:3; Pr 29:15; Tt 2:7; Pr 29:17; Dt 6:6–9; Pr 1:8–9; 23:13; 19:18; Ps 103:13; Heb 12:7–11; 1 Pe 5:3; 1 Ti 5:8; Eph 6:1–4, 1; Pr 22:15; Ps 127:3–5; 2 Co 12:14; Pr 23:13–14; Tt 2:4; Heb 12:11
[3] Gen 2:24
[4] Pr 15:1; 25:11; Zec 8:16; Jn 1:14; 8:44; 17:17; Ro 12:10; 1 Co 13:6; 16:14; 2 Co 2:4; Ga 5:13; Eph 4:2, 15, 16, 25, 29, 31; Col 4:6; 1 Ti 1:5; 2 Ti 2:15, 24–25; Heb 10:23–25; Jas 1:18, 19; 3:13–14; 1 Pe 4:8; 1 Jn 3:18; 3 Jn 4
[5] 1 Jn 4:1; Heb 5:14; 4:12; Jn 7:24; 1 Ki 3:9; Jas 1:5; 1 Th 5:21; 1 Co 2:14; Ro 12:2; Ho 14:9; 1 Ti 6:3–5; Col 2:8; Php 1:9–10
[6] Ga 6:1; 2 Ti 2:24–26; 1 Ti 3:1–16; Ga 5:16; 2 Ti 3:16–17; Heb 4:12; 2 Ti 3:14; 1 Th 5:14; Ga 6:1
[7] Jas 2:13; Mt 5:7; 9:13; Heb 4:16; 1 Pe 1:3; 1 Jn 1:9; Mic 6:8
[8] Pr 17:9; Da 9:9; Mt 5:23–24; 6:12, 14–15, 14, 15; 7:21; 18:21–35, 21–22; Mk 11:25; Lk 6:37; 17:3–4; Jn 14:21; Ac 3:19; 2 Co 2:10–11; Eph 1:7; 4:26–27, 31– 32, 31, 32; Col 3:12–13, 13; Heb 12:14; Jas 1:19–20; 5:16; 1 Jn 1:9; 4:20
[9] Mt 22:37-10
[10] Ro 8:28
[11] Ga 6:1-3
[12] Pr 16:23, 18:20-21; 2Ti 3:16
[13] Mt 22:37-40
[14] Ga 6:1-3;
[15] Lk 15:20
[16] 1 Co 13:8
[17] Jo 24:15
[18] Ro 8:28